4.30.2007
history
A patient's history is as important as their symptoms.It's what helps us decide if heartburn's a heart attack...
if a headache's a tumor.
Sometimes patients will try to rewrite their own histories.
They'll claim they don't smoke,
or forget to mention certain drugs...
which in surgery can be the kiss of death.
We can ignore it all we want,
but our history eventually always comes back to haunt us.
_*_*_*_
Some people believe that without history,
our lives amount to nothing.
At some point we all have to choose:
do we fall back on what we know,
or do we step forward to something new?
It's hard not to be haunted by our past.
Our history is what shapes us, what guides us.
Our history resurfaces time after time after time.
So we have to remember sometimes the most important history
is the history we’re making today.
[grey's anatomy s3ep20]
_*_*_*_
"Some of the best lessons are learned from past mistakes.
The error of the past is the wisdom of the future."
- Dale Turner
"Tragedy is a tool for the living to gain wisdom,
not a guide by which to live."
- Robert F. Kennedy
_*_*_*_
i've been in the hospital enough times to know
that my medical history matters;
they ask the same questions each time i go back in...
from my name, ic number,
what kind of drugs i'm allergic to,
what operations i've underwent,
when, where, by whom,
what's the pain like,
where's the pain,
do i smoke, to when was the last time i pooped,
etc etc etc...
so i do know the importance of my medical history,
and history per se...
lest they give me something that'll kill me instead of make me better.
how come i still feel haunted by it then?
my history is important,
regardless of how much it sucks.
yet i dread it so much,
every little bit of it...
and especially when people can use it against me,
prevent me from moving forward,
moving on.
it sucks...coz ur past don't matter actually...
until someone else thinks it does.
and u're left helpless, disappointed,
coz there ain't a thing u can change...
and so the only thing left to do is
to hope that today won't be a history
that will come haunt u tmr...
to hope for new beginnings and chances,
a new life that will make the old one pale in comparison.
one can only hope...
Posted by jing at 4/30/2007 04:45:00 PM
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4.28.2007
stay with me
逢いたい気持ちあふれたら
この思いがうまく届くのかな
小さな窓に現れた
あなたを見るだけで嬉しくなる
あの日にそっと置いていった
涙の粒 抱えたら
ねえ 夢を叶えた
if the feelings of wanting to see you overflow
i wonder if these thoughts will reach you?
just the sight of you appearing
through this small window makes me happy.
on that day, I quietly left behind the tears I carried.
hey, dreams could come true.
.: タイヨウのうた :.
Posted by jing at 4/28/2007 12:41:00 PM
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4.26.2007
worth it?
when you were busy trying to make an impression,occupied with wanting to rise as quickly as possible,
and engaged in one after another meaningless pursuit,
you forgot these...
you forgot to listen,
you forgot to speak,
you forgot to love...
basically, you forgot to be human.
Posted by jing at 4/26/2007 02:00:00 PM
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4.25.2007
not right...?
there's this song called 《全新的你》i learnt it while i was in cf i think...
i remember singing it together with the others
over and over again but never realized one thing...
came across this song again recently,
and when i carefully read the lyrics this time,
i noticed something wrong with it;
one particular line didn't sit quite well with me...
this line: "耶稣能够改变你的曾经..."
somehow when i read this line
i was kindda filled with ambiguous resentment.
1st of all, i didn't think that it was possible.
my dictionary defines 《曾经》
as "表示以前有过某种行为或情况."
how is it possible that my past be changed?
whatever has been done will not be undone at will.
whatever has been said will not be unheard at will.
though i know that God is omnipotent,
in my experience, limited by time and space,
i know i can't go back to the past and change it as i please.
and i highly doubt God will do that too,
despite that He probably can.
so why say He can when He probably won't?
almost like giving one false hope,
and what could be more cruel than that?
and this is the very 2nd reason for my feelings of resentment.
we all, at some point, wished that we hadn't done certain things,
so that, maybe, things would be different, better perhaps.
we clearly know our past can't be changed,
why so boldly preach about it then?
Friedrich Nietzsche wrote,
'Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.'
how much worse is false hope then?
yet we go on and on singing this phrase,
tying it together with salvation and theology,
when all it promises is emptiness.
i cannot recall anywhere in the bible stating
that God can/will change our past.
neither have i heard anyone share about
any part of their past being changed due to conversion.
who are we to give out such heinous promises?
how could we take things so lightly?
how could i take things so lightly before?
i must practise caution, especially in times like these...
if i let my guard down, i will be taken in,
absorbed into the realm of creating my own world,
forming my own interpretations,
driven by my own desires and experiences.
yet i do not seem to know how...
or lack the spirit to pursue the truth.
why 'ambiguous resentment'?
i guess...
some part of me wish that it is true...
that it can be done...
but it ain't...so...
maybe the lyricist just wanted to convey that
in Christ, all can be made new.
hence, changing the old us (past) into someone new.
but still...we need to practise caution...
lest we deceive ourselves in the end.
François de la Rochefoucauld wrote,
'We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others
that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.'
still...the past is haunting...
Posted by jing at 4/25/2007 02:27:00 PM
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4.19.2007
choose
3 good friends were abducted,locked up, and not given any food or water.
the psychopath tells them this,
"only two of you will get out alive,
one of you will die. which one? you'll have to choose."
1 of them falls ill eventually.
they went without food and water for days now,
they're cold, hungry, thirsty and paranoid.
they tried to come up with options but none worked.
they started fighting among themselves,
reasoning back and forth to no avail.
time was running out for them.
finally, 2 of them decided that the sick one should die,
the psychopath then hands them 2 hammers
and tells them that they have to do it themselves.
1 of them refused, the other tries to persuade,
the sick one apparently overheard everything
and acts first, killing her friend.
***
if you and i were put in the same situation,
what would we have done?
how do we choose?
how will we choose?
do you believe that we will ultimately make a choice?
and it won't be one we will be proud of.
we will have to live with the consequence of that very choice,
the one we made back when it seemed like we had no other choice.
and then wonder, "did we really?"
***
"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary.
Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness."
- Joseph Conrad
"The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body;
after all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up,
still there will be a scar left behind."
- François de la Rochefoucauld.
Posted by jing at 4/19/2007 03:58:00 PM
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4.17.2007
massacre
eeks! i committed ants muuurrrderrr!YUCKS!!!
i practically single-handedly massacred the entire colony.
maybe only a few got away...
GROSS!!!
i still get goosebumps when i think about it now.
i absolutely CANNOT cohabit with any of these creepy crawlers.
NO! NO! NO!
eeewww...wish i didn't have to do it...
it's really gross lor...YUCKS!!!
i hope for their sake, and mine, they'd learn to stay away from me.
so glad i don't have to go through NS.
i think i'd just die of Entomophobia (fear of insects) man...
that's something to be thankful for...
what else???
*think*think*think*
Posted by jing at 4/17/2007 03:13:00 PM
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4.12.2007
stinky past
whoever said any 'stain' in your past don't matter,ask them to go for a stinky interview.
maybe to survive in this world,
u have to be like the rest of the robots roaming the streets.
coz if they even detect a tinge of deviance on you,
you're out immediately.
zip, zilch, nada, diddly-squat,
nothing you say can save your stinky ass.
how can one ever escape from the past?
i guess it can't be done,
it'd be like trying to outrun the wind.
how can one ever justify their own 'deviance' to another?
i guess it can't be done.
it'd be like trying to explain gravity to the ant.
every right or wrong thing done has brought you to where you are...
question is, do you like where you are?
Posted by jing at 4/12/2007 09:13:00 PM
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4.10.2007
思っている
時々、ちょっと死にたい。。。人生は分からないから、
人生の意味もない。。。
将来はなに？
何で人生は簡単じゃない？
何で全部とても難しいですか。
私は本当に知らないなあ。。。
だれは知ったら、ちゃんと教えてください。。。
人生の意味はなに？
私は知ったと思いました、
でも今は。。。なにもない。
たぶん、死んだほうがいいですね〜
たぶん。。。
Posted by jing at 4/10/2007 03:33:00 PM
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4.08.2007
y.o.u
you.i think about you sometimes,
but i hardly know you,
and u barely know me.
but yes, i do think about you sometimes.
it's weird,
i don't think this has ever happened.
i doubt i've ever felt this way,
and i wish it to stay.
and yes, i have a longing to know you more.
maybe it's just the d.m. acting.
maybe it'll go away.
maybe it's better this way,
coz maybe i ain't worth the trouble.
but yes, in this moment, i'm thinking of you.
you must think i'm crazy.
i think i am too.
i don't know what to make of this,
coz this is my first.
and yes, i wish it to be my last.
you.
an enigma.
a lighthouse.
a chocolate.
but yes, above all, could you be...my knight?
Posted by jing at 4/08/2007 11:11:00 PM
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4.02.2007
little memories
"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."- Harriet Beecher Stowe
the grandparents i hardly knew...
i wish we had more time...
i wish i remembered more about them...
the relatives i hardly see...
i wish we could have more things in common...
the uncle i really really really hardly know, hardly see...
they said he's put on weight and quit smoking...
overall, good for him i guess.
i wish he'd appear more often...
-*-*-*-
sometimes...i still have thots of dying...
some people tell me it's normal...
i wonder if it really is.
i just know, or sense from within,
that...perhaps life's not meant to be like this.
-*-*-*-
"But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark,
because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope."
[grey's anatomy s02ep7]
*hope...hope...hope...どこ？*