3.07.2007

remind me again...

i saw a tee that day with this printed on it:

remind me again, why do i need a boyfriend?

it caught my attention instantly and i quickly pointed it out to est.
i kindda liked it i think,
i remember turning around to take a second look
even after we've walked on.
ha! i think i'm still bitter...obviously!

anyway, that's not really the point. lately, my question is...

remind me again, why do i need Him?

something that i grew up with, grew up hearing,
and eventually even preached about it myself,
yet now it all seems so unfamiliar and foreign...
kindda makes my past erm...maybe 14 years, a lie?
or maybe not. i dunno.
maybe i do know the answer,
afterall, i've been hearing & perhaps
possibly attempting to practise it more than half my life.
but somehow, it's just different already.

it's kindda queer when i think about it...

honestly, i've never felt more sinful in
my past 14 years than the past 6 months or so.
yet at the same time,
i've never felt this little about needing Him in my life.

maybe it's like what my "darling" says, that i lack the awareness.
hmmm...still trying to fathom what that entails actually.

i've also never felt so hope-less (pun intended...ha!) in the past.
this is not a spiritual low either; more like a spiritual no.
do others feel the same way? or am i one of the measly few?
maybe they are the ones who lack the awareness?
(at least i'm aware i lack the awareness.)
maybe they just go on with life making their faces vizards to their hearts?
(at least i'm bold enough to admit my weaknesses.)
maybe i was one of them?
(at least now i'm not.)

i randomly commented a few times, throughout the day,
to a fren that day, "hey, spread the gospel to me leh..."
she thought i was teasing her all the while
so she just ignored my question and
told me to stop it as if i was irritating her.
my fault actually, i think it was the way i asked...
i would have thought i was teasing me too.
[ps: i'm not mad or anything btw...u've been a good fren thus far :)]
perhaps it was just my way of making the situation seem less awkward,
cause i think i wouldn't know how to react either if
some 'old' church fren were to tell me the same thing,
whether to treat it as a joke or as something somber.

but i wasn't. like i said,

remind me again, why do i need Him?

feel free to share if u know more than textbook answers.
feel free to share if u know more than cliches.
feel free to share if u think u can enlighten me.
feel free to share if u think u care enough about eternity & me.
above all,
feel free to share if u can answer the above question blatantly urself.

Posted by jing at 3/07/2007 10:29:00 PM

|